


It's all about the unsaid

by HeySlowpoke



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Angst, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Character, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-07 11:12:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6801397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeySlowpoke/pseuds/HeySlowpoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story developed from my first attempt at a one-shot. These are now small part stories that fit into the original story but are (at least in my headcanon) untold. I concentrate on the road trip up to the end of the book. I really tried to stay in character and worked closely to the book. So, if you see anything that doesn't fit well, please feel free to contact me about it =)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Picnic

**Author's Note:**

> This is chapter is about Carol and Therese a day before they reach Waterloo. They’re on a picnic and things get slightly emotional. It's Therese's POV.
> 
> It's the very first fic I’ve ever written. I tried to base everything on the events and characters of the book ‘The Price of Salt’ (1952) by Patricia Highsmith and situated it a day before Carol and Therese reach Waterloo (I assume everyone knows … ;) ). Hope you enjoy reading it. And let me know whether you like it (or not) …  
> I’d like to thank sarah_dude, who betaed this chapter! – Your Advice had been really helpful :)

When Therese woke up, she saw Carol’s already packed suitcases. Carol wasn’t in the room and the bathroom door was open. Scanning the room, her eyes found a small piece of paper laying on the dressing table. She lifted the warm bed sheets and hurried to the table. The paper showed Carol’s neatly handwriting. 

> _Good morning my sweet sleepyhead,_  
>  _I’ve gone for a walk to get some fresh air, milk and bread. As you might have seen, my suitcases are already packed. I will be back at around 10 a.m. so we can be back on the road by 10.30, if you like. Take your time and enjoy a hot shower._  
>  _\- C_

  
Therese fingers slowly glided over the words ‘my sweet sleepyhead’. Smiling she folded the paper and remembered the day before, when Carol had chosen two photographs to carry in her billfold; one of Rindy and one of her. Could it be possible that Carol felt the same as Therese?

Deep in thought she wandered across the room and entered the bathroom, eventually stepping into the shower. The hot water immediately distracted her.

While drying her hair she heard a closing door. “Carol? Is that you?”

“Yes, Darling.”

She opened the bathroom door and saw Carol bending over a small picnic basket. Her blonde hair was slightly covering her face and Therese couldn’t help but admire the woman’s beauty.

“I thought we might have a picnic for lunch”, Carol said without looking at Therese, “and then go in the direction of Rockford. What do you think? I may have a letter from Abby there, but probably not, because she’s a bad correspondent.“

“Sounds good”, Therese answered, wondering why Carol wasn’t looking at her. _Maybe she’s just busy with packing_ , she thought and tore herself away from the sight of Carol to dry her hair properly. 

***

When they were both ready, they left the Drake Hotel and put their suitcases in the boot. They drove until they reached the edge of Chicago.

Carol parked the car and, taking the picnic basket, they headed to a nearby meadow with long grass where they wouldn't be seen by any passing cars. Carol had hardly spoken since she returned from her walk this morning and Therese was starting to worry if anything was the matter.

When they sat next to each other, silently eating their sandwiches, Therese finally couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

“Carol?”

“Hm?” Carol didn’t turn but looked thoughtfully to the near forest.

„Is everything ok? You’ve been very quiet all morning.“

Carol sighed deeply and closed her eyes for a moment. Therese heart dropped. She knew she shouldn’t have pushed, but she was eager to try and make Carol feel better – to take care of her.

“What is it? You can tell me.”

After a few seconds, Carol’s head turned, grey eyes finding the girl’s green ones. Therese gasped a little when she realised that the woman’s eyes were filled with unshed tears.

“Oh Carol”, she said, timidly reaching out for her shoulder, but letting her hand fall back on the grass as Carol’s eyes returned to the forest.

“It’s… uh, it’s…”, Carol started, her voice breaking. She breathed in deeply and Therese gave her some time to collect herself. “It’s Rindy”, Carol finally managed to say. “I miss her so much.”

Therese often assumed that Carol thought about her daughter, but she had never told her about it before.

“Didn’t you call her this morning before she went to school?” Therese asked. She remembered Carol requesting a wake-up call from the front desk for seven in the morning to be able to telephone Rindy before she would leave the house.

“Yes, I did call. But Harge didn’t let me speak to her.” Carol fumbled around in her pocket to pull out a cigarette. She lit it with trembling fingers and inhaled deeply. “He said, she had already left for school and will be staying with her friend for a few days, because Harge has to go on a business trip.”

Therese didn’t know how to react. Of course she knew about the divorce and Harge’s attempt of getting sole custody of Rindy. But Carol had never talked about it since they had gone on the trip. In fact, Carol never talked about anything concerning her divorce or her worries about Rindy. Therese thought about the way Carol behaved when Abby was around. Their silly jokes, their laughing. She suddenly felt guilty. Guilty for she loved being with Carol and only Carol. Would she ever talk to her that openly? Was it even possible that she felt the same way as Therese when everything they talked about were superficial things? When any personal conversation concerned that silly relationship with Richard?  
She thought of all their previous conversations and all the missed possibilities of simply asking Carol about Rindy, about Harge and the divorce. Yes, she should have asked. She should have shown that she wasn’t childish, that she was able to support Carol.  
Absentmindedly, Therese watched some little birds flying to the forest. Was she being selfish? Maybe it would be better for Carol to be back in New Jersey and near Abby as to drive Therese around the country. She remembered Rindy’s little face on the photograph that was now kept in Carol’s billfold. Her eyes similar to the grey ones she loved so deeply.

Once again she looked at the older woman and, as Carol wiped a single tear from her cheek, she felt a decision building in her mind. Gathering her courage, she reached out for Carol’s shoulder and squeezed it.

“I’m so sorry, Carol. If you…” she sighed. “If you'd like to end the trip and go back to New York, I woul-”

“Therese.” Carol interrupted her, now looking directly into Therese’s eyes, making the girl letting go of her shoulder. “It’s not your fault. Harge wouldn’t let me see Rindy either way. If I were in New York, what would I do? Sit in that big lonely house and wait for… for what? For these three awful, lonely month to end?”

Her voice sounded confident, though Therese could see the pain in her eyes.

“Maybe he would allow you a few visits”, Therese suggested, trying to come up with anything to provide comfort.

“No. I’m afraid, not. … Fred, my Lawyer, said it’s best if I stay away from Rindy until the hearing. He’s confident, he could get Harge into settling for joint custody. Again.”  
Carol sighed and took a few drags of her cigarette.

Therese waited, watching her worriedly. “If… there’s anything I could do to help…”, she finally managed, “I will be the-”

“And besides”, Carol continued as if she hadn’t heard anything, watching her feet in the grass, “I invited you on this trip and I really am glad you came.”

Therese was stunned at her shy words. Carol blushed slightly and Therese remembered the piece of paper she found that morning.

_My sweet sleepy head._

Carol glanced at Therese and after a moment of complete silence turned her head, looking thoughtfully towards the forest.

A ray of light made its way through the cloudy sky, reaching them, making Carol’s hair gleam. Therese was once again paralyzed by her beauty.

She didn't dare speak or move.

Every now and then a light breeze caught Carol’s hair, filling Therese’s senses with her perfume. Thoughts of dark green silk, cigarettes and the feeling of that green leather upholstery of Carol’s car flooded her brain. Her eyes fell over Carol’s freckles and the small lines next to her mouth that were even more beautiful when Carol laughed. She stared at Carol’s lips. She imagined kissing them, imagined caressing her whole body with tender kisses; her neck, her delicate jawline, her collarbone and finally her breasts, that were now rising and falling in a steady, calm rhythm. She couldn’t help but think of Carol’s wet, naked body she saw a few days ago and suddenly felt a tension building up in her body. Something she had never felt before. What would it be like to touch Carol, holding her tight to comfort her? Could she just ask her to do so? Last night, when she had been a bit too drunk, it had felt easy to ask whether they could share a bed. But after they had both laughed about Carol mentioning the stockyards, Therese’s courage had abandoned her. Her longing had gone.

She leaned in closer to Carol, to memorise every single detail of her beauty.

Carol must have felt the closeness, for she turned her head, meeting Therese’s eyes. The piercing grey colour showed her sadness, but there also was a tenderness in it that Therese hadn’t ever noticed before.  
Therese blushed furiously, avoiding her eyes, trying to hide her thoughts in shame. How could she even think of kissing her while Carol was sad, facing the loss of her previous way of life?

Suddenly Carol reached out and covered Therese’s hand with her own.

Goose bumps appeared all over Therese’s body and her heart started racing uncontrollably. Finding her lost courage from last night, she slowly turned her hand, entangling their fingers. Carol searched for her eyes and the tender look of grey eyes sent pleasant shivers down Therese’s spine.

Time passed while they got lost in each other’s gazes, never looking away, never even blinking.

Therese was first to break, wanting to watch their entwined fingers amongst the grass. Carol’s eyes followed her gaze and when Therese turned her head towards Carol, opening her mouth to finally confess her feelings, Carol’s gaze fell upon her shoes.

“Oh look, my moccasin’s torn”, she said, letting go of Therese’s hand and pointing to her left shoe. “Listen, it’s already late and we should get back on the road so we can head for a shoe-repair shop.”

With that she stood up, turning towards the car. Once again, the tension was broken. Therese sat for a moment, feeling all dizzy and following Carol with her eyes. A few steps away, Carol turned. With her teasing smile she said, “Hey slowpoke! I can’t carry the car over here!”

And with that Therese stood up, puzzled, following Carol back to the road.


	2. Waterloo - Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Therese arrive in Waterloo and confess their love. But Carol struggles with her feelings and takes some time to think things through.
> 
> I changed perspective here. From now on it's told in Carol's POV because I wanted to explore her feelings and inner struggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Ligeria for proofreading this chapter :)

_Don’t you know I love you?_  

Carol took her pyjamas into the bathroom and stood for a moment, looking down at the basin.

“I’m going out. But I’ll be back right away.”

She left the room.

* * *

A few hours earlier.

They didn’t speak much in the car and later, as they stopped at a café, the atmosphere didn’t change. Carol still thought about Rindy, although Abby’s letter had lit up her mind.

So she was all the more startled when Therese asked her whether she wished Abby would have come along instead of her. How could Therese doubt her affection after their picnic, after that shared moment of openness and intimacy?

Of course she denied it. And to distract Therese she dropped some nickels into the jukebox and started joking about other guests. She just wanted to make the younger woman laugh, make her show those dimples, but suddenly fell into her own trap, by getting lost in her feelings. She began to flirt, slightly touching Therese’s foot under the table or ‘accidently’ brushing her hand with a finger. That immediately rewarded her with blushing cheeks and unsteady breathing.

As they were back on the road, Therese fell asleep and Carol had the chance to look at her more frequently. She really was an angel. Her pale skin was lit up by rays of the setting sun and a little smile traced her face. What would she be dreaming about? Carol wanted to reach out, to caress the silky skin. But she couldn’t and not just because she had to focus on the road.

In a small town called Waterloo they stopped at a hotel. Therese had still been so tired that Carol thought she would immediately fall back to sleep. So when the receptionist mentioned there was only one room left, she took it. They rode up in an elevator and although they kept as much distance as the small room offered, Carol was painfully aware of the younger woman’s nearness.

When they entered the room, Carol first noticed the queen sized double bed. Yes, the receptionist had mentioned something like that. _Well. Who cares?_ she thought. Both of them were pretty tired and although the thought of resisting from touching Therese made Carol feel uncomfortable, she had to admit that going on driving along the road wouldn’t have been safe anymore.   

Sighing, she went over to the other side of the bed to put the suitcases away and take off her fur coat. While searching her biggest suitcase for her pyjamas, she noticed Therese, still standing in front of the now closed door. Carol felt her glance all over her and as their eyes connected, she noticed a slight blush creeping over Therese's face.

“What are you standing there for?” Carol asked. She knew perfectly well. Of course. “Get to bed, sleepyhead.”

At these words, something in Therese’s face changed. Her eyes darkened.

“Carol, I love you.”

***

Carol was walking - aimlessly walking anywhere. She felt somehow dizzy and sick. She felt everything and nothing. Therese loved her. It had been obvious, yes. Who would come visit a stranger’s house after only about an hour of knowing each other? And foremost, who would leave everything to join her on a road trip? An old desperate housewife in the middle of an ugly divorce? Of course she had been aware of Therese’s affection. But the younger woman hadn’t ever done anything more than to compliment her and keep on staring. So it had been quite easy to control herself and not give in to that obvious affection.

But today? A confession of love! She hadn’t expected anything as big as that. And overwhelmed by her own feelings, she had gone to Therese, confessing her own love. _Don’t you know I love you?_  Carol frowned. Had she really kissed her? She had thought about it a lot of times, but actually doing what something else entirely. The younger woman’s lips felt softer than she had imagined. Only reluctantly she had broken their connection and it had cost all of her strength.

Yes, she had been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the sudden courage Therese had come up with. To hear those words so openly and so sincere wasn't anything she had expected. She had thought Therese would simply continue to just stare at her. Although, she had to admit that the staring had changed. The previously innocent and astonished looks had become more and more longing. The green eyed gaze resting on her stockinged knees and wandering upwards to her hips, her thighs. And hadn’t she been doing the same?

She had longed to go on kissing Therese right there. To feel her, be nearer than near. She craved the nearness another persons arms would provide. How long had it been since someone wanted her unconditionally? But then reality had hit her like a slap in the face and she had suddenly been conscious of all her problems. She didn’t want them to become Therese’s worries as well. So it had been her only option to force herself away from Therese, stopping her thoughts and putting some distance between them. She had entered the bathroom and stood for a moment, looking down at the basin. Then she had snapped and fled the room.

Walking. She needed to walk, to think. That afternoon, when Therese had asked her about her worries, Carol had first noticed that Therese really cared for her and was actually willing to end their trip to make her feel better. Carol remembered their intertwined fingers, the look on Therese’s face when she had touched her and her own reaction to this physical connection.

On that meadow she had felt a deep connection between them and just couldn’t resist her inner force to touch Therese’s hand. But when she finally had, her body had reacted in a way she would never have predicted … her heart had been racing, like it was going to jump out of her throat. She had felt hot and terribly cold at the same time and had barely managed to breathe. She had felt a sudden longing she hadn’t thought would be possible a second time. Well, had she _ever_ felt like this? Even with Abby? 

And now these three words, their kiss and all her worries. How childish of her to flee the room. Carol had to try to call Abby. She needed someone who could help find the things she should focus on. And Abby had always been there to focus her. To tell her what was right. She went to a phone box and dialled the familiar number. It rang. Eight, twelve, twenty times. Abby didn’t answer and finally Carol sighed, lighting a cigarette and inhaling deeply.

Absent-mindedly she went to a store, buying some milk and oranges. Having something to concentrate on, her mind seemed to clear. After all, it had been her who invited Therese. So why did she feel this reluctance while being so close to what she wished for? Therese eventually had made a step towards her. In fact, it wasn’t just a step. She had closed all the distance. Confessing one’s feelings was so much more than just holding hands. And Carol loved her, too, didn't she?. But for exactly that reason she wanted to protect Therese. To protect her from that way of life – she was too young to be fully aware of the consequences of their relationship, of the way one was treated when anyone would find out …

Could she take responsibility to involve Therese in her problems? The divorce was still going on and Harge’s attempt of getting sole custody of Rindy had put her on the wrong foot. The process of divorcing would probably last longer than she had expected. No, she couldn’t give in to her longing, for Therese’s sake, to protect her. Abby’s voice appeared in her head, saying something about the difference in age, Therese’s lack of life experience, their different ways of life. She was young, indeed. And Carol felt driven by her worries of not being able to see Rindy for such a long time. In the end, she had to put on her perfectly practiced mask and force herself to emotionally distance from Therese.

Her eyes filled with tears and she felt her heart break at the thought of shutting Therese out. On her way back to the hotel, she lit another cigarette, locking all her emotions deep in her mind, like she had done so many times before. 

***

Back in their room, she found Therese sitting at the writing table. She set the paper bag on the table and pulled out the container of milk and an orange. Therese looked at her but Carol couldn’t stand to return it. 

“Can I sleep with you?” Therese asked.

“Did you see the bed?” Carol replied, smiling teasingly. What should she have said? ‘No Therese, it would be better if you sleep in the car, for I am so absolutely distracted by the mere sight of your eyes and your longing gazes all over me’? Of course she couldn’t do that.

She went to the bathroom and took a shower to get a grip on herself. In the past, it hadn't been difficult for her to slip into a role. The façade she had maintained had long been such a large part of her that she hardly knew who was behind it anymore. But here with Therese it was more than difficult to distance herself. Changing into her pyjamas, she hoped that Therese would be asleep, when she returned from the bathroom. But of course things had to be different: Therese had prepared two glasses of milk and looked at har with half shy, half expectant eyes. Sitting on the bed, they drank and shared an orange that Carol was too sleepy to finish.

Eventually Carol laid down on her side of the bed. They hadn’t talked while drinking and Therese hadn’t tried to touch her. Probably she would respect Carol’s unphrased decision of not getting into that kind of relationship. At least it had always been Carol who made first steps. Perhaps rejecting Therese wouldn’t be as difficult as she had thought. Comforted by these thoughts, she closed her eyes.

After a few minutes, she felt some unsteady movements beside her and looked up. Therese had climbed under the sheets, her back turned towards Carol. She felt her presence, the warmth of her body and suddenly felt utterly lonely. Why did it always have to be so complicated? Why did love have to be so painful?

Feeling tears sting her eyes, she pondered on whether she would go too far if she just embraced Therese. Simply to not feel alone anymore, to get the comfort only Therese could offer her? She reached out, carefully pushing her arm under Therese’s neck. The younger woman stiffened and Carol felt she was holding her breath. Hesitantly, she let her right arm wander around Therese’s waist and pulled her close. She could feel Therese’s racing heart. It was beating as fast as her own.

When the length of their bodies touched, she felt Therese’s hands on her own; her thumbs drawing small circles on her knuckles. Their legs entangled when Therese's backside pressed against her breasts, her bottom fitting perfectly in the curve her own body formed.

Extremely aware of their bodies, she felt a heat building up in her lower abdomen. It would have been so easy to loose herself in their intimate embrace. To touch Therese, to inhale her scent, her silky skin. But she couldn’t do that after all. No. Pulling Therese even closer to her, she whispered “Go to sleep.”

For a few seconds nothing happened, but then Therese moved slightly, changing her head’s position that was now rested against Carol’s shoulder and after a few seconds her body relaxed. Deep, regular breaths escaped her lungs and Carol knew she was asleep. Enjoying the safety of them being together, Carol closed her eyes and followed into a nearly dreamless sleep.


	3. Waterloo - Staying somewhere near you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, They’re in Waterloo and I think you know pretty well what’s going to happen ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I’ve ever written any smut and I’m unsure whether it came out the way it should. So tell me what you think about it ;)  
> And again thanks to Ligeria for proofreading :)

Carol awoke at the first ray of sunlight, searching for the small body that had been pressed against hers all night. Therese lay on her left side, only a few inches away, her back turned towards Carol. She was quite in reach, but Carol wasn’t able to feel her warmth anymore. She looked at the outline of the younger woman’s back and the base of her bottom. What would it be like to touch her there? To trace those delicate lines with her fingers?

Pictures of Therese’s thighs crept into her mind. Before her inner eye, she saw the younger woman stepping out of the bathroom, only covered in a towel, water droplets following her collarbone and finally running down between her breasts …

Therese moved and Carol realised that her hand had gone all the way to Therese’s shoulder, caressing and squeezing it slightly, completely unnoticed by Carol herself. What was she doing? Hadn't she only a few hours ago decided against this kind of closeness? But there wasn’t any time to think about her actions, for Therese had turned around and smiled at her tiredly. Her movements brought a wave of lovely scent to Carol and although a small part of her tried to resist, she moved towards Therese, reaching for her arms, her face and caressing her lips with a thumb.

She looked at Therese and lost herself in her eyes. There was a moment of perfect silence when Carol could feel hot breath against her skin. Suddenly there were hands gliding around her waist, moving over her ribs, the line of her spine and eventually gripping her neck to pull her closer. She shivered, her breath  caught in her throat, while her heart beat wildly and heat was spreading over her cheeks and down her belly.  

She laid both of her hands on Therese’s cheeks and closed the distance between them. They kissed softly at first, but soon Carol swiped her tongue over Therese's bottom lip and wasn't surprised as Therese gave in eagerly. Carol shifted herself a little, moved nearer and let her fingers travel down to the buttons of Therese’s pyjama top. Their breaths quickened and she wondered, whether Therese could feel her racing heart, while she started to unbutton the shirt. Therese's breath hitched as Carols fingers moved over her breasts, trembling slightly in anticipation. As the buttons gave in one by one, Therese froze.

Carol stopped her movements and searched for Therese's eyes. The young woman was flushed, her breathing heavily. The shared a moment of silence until Therese launched forward, capturing Carols lips and eagerly starting to removed her clothes. With the feeling of trembling hands on her skin, Carol lowered herself into the younger woman’s lap.

Her fingers tightened in Therese’s hair and she took in the scent of her skin, its taste. Their eyes connected and it seemed as if Therese wanted to say something, but Carol went on with small peppered kisses along her jawline, tracing a delicate collarbone. Carol added tender bites, immediately soothing them with her tongue, while Therese’s breath quickened and a moan escaped her throat. At this sound, Carol felt her own longing increase. She made her way further down, carefully caressing the soft skin of small but firm breasts. She kissed and sucked one, while stroking the other with her hand.

Therese’s arms were tightened around Carol and while her hands slid along the younger woman’s ribs, her hair brushed bare breasts. She looked up to take in the sight in front of her. The green eyes were now closed, lips slightly parted and the unsteady breathing was accompanied by quiet moans.

Suddenly aware of her own arousal, she turned her attention to the thighs that now rested beside her shoulders. As Therese’s hand grabbed her left, their fingers entwined.

It wasn’t like she had felt with Abby. Carol knew it now. She felt a deeper connection, eventually able to show her feelings, to let go of the façade she had to keep in front go Harge and also with Abby. To worship her angel, to give pleasure and to feel needed, trusted... loved. In that instant, every moment Therese and her had shared flowed through her mind. All their gazes and shy touches, every moment of laughter and shared silence.

When Therese eventually trembled violently under Carols touches, her own body was aching with desire. She crept up to face Therese and put a strand of curly hair behind an ear. Therese’s arms tightened around her and she leaned in, capturing her lips and feeling a smile against her mouth. Green eyes searched for grey ones and the tenderness and love that was floating through these deep green oceans made Carol feel heart exploding with affection. But there was something new. Carol couldn’t describe it, but something had changed. And the more she lost herself in their gaze, the more she felt their connection deepen.

“My angel. Flung out of space.”

Therese looked at her dreamily and Carol watched her eyes wandering up at the corners of the room, tracing the room’s details. 

“What town is this?” Therese asked.

Carol laughed. “This? This is Waterloo.” She reached for her cigarettes. “Isn’t that awful?”

Smiling, Therese raised up on her elbow. Carol put a cigarette between her lips.

“There’s a couple of Waterloos in every state,” Therese said. 

***

Carol lay next to Therese, embracing her small, sleeping frame. The cigarette was finished and now she felt butterflies in her stomach, yes. But something was different. Something that must have been ... happiness?. She hadn’t felt it for such a long time. Of course she was happy every time Rindy was around, but that was different. Now she felt a deeper happiness filling her whole being, controlling her thoughts, her soul.

She watched Therese’s sleeping form. _My angel_ , she thought and her eyes followed Therese’s spine, down to the curve of her bare hips. She remembered her moans and her own desire while kissing Therese’s inner thighs, slowly moving upwards, where Therese had desperately wanted her. And suddenly there was that well-known feeling of being left unsatisfied.

She had felt like that with Harge. In the last years of their marriage it had always been fast, uncomfortable and in the dark of their shared bedroom. Every time when Harge had been finished, he had fallen asleep, leaving Carol unsatisfied, feeling used and unloved. Of course, sleeping with Therese had been nothing like that. They had made love and Carol felt so very glad she could show Therese how much she loved her, cared for her and how much she desired her. But when Therese had finally come, she had been so exhausted, she’d immediately fallen back to sleep while Carol had lit her cigarette.

Carol considered waking her up – which she wasn’t able to, for Therese looked so peaceful in her sleep – and thought of touching herself instead, but didn’t want to be like she had been with Harge. In the end she got up, careful to not disturb Therese’s sleep, and went to the bathroom to take a hot shower to distract herself and her longing.

***

Therese had gone out to get some newspapers and Carol had returned to the bathroom to get ready for their departure. Her thoughts had revolved around Therese. The more she thought about what she had done, the more reality kicked in and her happiness changed into seriousness. Why had she let herself go? Why had she given in to her longing? But now the line was crossed. There was no way back. And to be honest, she wouldn’t want to go back. All the things that had been worrying her the day before, seemed to have become smaller. And for some reason she was sure that with Therese by her side, she would be able to bear everything the process of her divorce would offer. The feeling of being needed and loved made her feel stronger.

The sound of a closing door interrupted her thoughts. Returning to their room, she saw Therese stopping mid movement, her hand on the door knob, looking at Carol. The way their eyes met reminded Carol of their first meeting at Frankenberg’s. She looked at her from head to toe and the urge to feel her, to be near her, made her walk straight into the younger woman’s arms. She embraced the smaller woman as tight as she could to take in every detail of their connected bodies. Therese said something and they talked for little while, whispering into the others ear, never releasing the other. But Carol wasn't able to concentrate. Releasing Therese, she went to the door and closed it.

Now her back leaned against the door, her eyes observing Therese.

“You’ve made me so happy ever since I’ve known you,” Therese said.

“I don’t think you can judge.”

“I can judge this morning.” Therese smiled teasingly and Carol locked the door. They were alone. Therese came to her, straight into her arms.

“I love you,” Therese said. “I love you, I love you.”

Her eyes darkened as she pulled Carol close and kissed her. Carol felt a slim hand under her blouse, wandering up her side and touching the skin under her breasts. She sighed and as Therese’s other hand started to unbutton her blouse, a whimper escaped her mouth. Therese opened all the buttons while they were pressed against the wall. The increasing arousal formed a deep moan in Carol’s throat.

 “The door... it’s too close. Someone … someone could hear… take me to bed,” she managed to say between unsteady breathes and more kisses.

Therese loosened her grip around her waist, taking Carol’s hand instead and leading her to sit down on the edge of the bed. She knelt down in front of her, reaching out to remove first Carol’s blouse, then her skirt and stockings, placing gentle kisses on every inch of skin she revealed.

Little moans escaped Carol when she leaned back onto the bed, loosing herself in the loving caresses of her lover. The heat in her body rose, her arousal increasing uncontrollably while Therese made her way back up her legs. Goosebumps appeared all over her sensitive skin and her eyelids fluttered shut. 

"Therese..." she whispered breathlessly. The tension she felt between her thighs was almost unbearable when all of a sudden the kisses stopped. 

“What… why…?” She couldn’t form a proper sentence, but as she looked up at Therese, she noticed that the younger woman had only stopped to remove her own clothes. Carol moved herself further onto the bed, waiting impatiently for her lover’s return.

Therese hurriedly removed all of her closes and was soon back, lowering herself between Carol's thighs. With tender touches, Carol was pulled up into a soft embrace, feeling a little fumbling on her back until Therese opened the clip of her bra. 

They kissed again, tongues dancing around each other. Therese's hands were now on her breasts, caressing, kneading and sometimes softly pinching her nipples. Carol couldn't stand it anymore and pushed her hips up, searching for release. Therese moaned deeply, but made her way down Carols legs, removing her panties and licking every part of skin she could reach. Carol lost herself in the feeling of hands that seemed to be everywhere over her body at the same time. Therese took her time, carefully covering her with kisses and bites, then soothing them with her tongue and stroking silky skin with her hands.

She couldn’t remember when she had ever last felt so loved. Each part of her body was being worshiped, causing her moans to become louder. She reached out and laid her right hand on Therese’s cheek. With locked gazes, Therese’s hands moved slowly to Carol's lower abdomen, eventually finding the place where she was needed most. Feeling the wetness, her cheeks blushed and Carol let out a soft cry when she felt Therese’s fingers gliding timidly up and down.

“Therese … I need you … now,” Carol begged breathlessly.

At these words, she heard Therese's breath hitch and when she opened her eyes, Therese looked straight into them.

“You are the most beautiful human being I've ever seen,” she whispered. “I love you.”

Every kiss was like a blooming flower; every touch sent shivers of fire through her mind. Waves of pleasure flashed through her body and between moans and touches, her back arched. After a few seconds, she fell back on the bed, finding herself immediately wrapped in Therese’s arms. Strands of hair were wiped from her sweaty forehead, hands caressing her features lovingly.

Green eyes searched for hers and when they met, they exchanged nothing but tenderness and love. Carol drew closer to Therese’s ear. Nuzzling her neck, she whispered “And I love you, my angel.”


	4. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol and Therese continue their trip. Therese insists on getting to know some things about Carol while Carol herself is confronted with doubts.
> 
> I'm looking forward to your comments :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, Ligeria did a great job of proofreading this chapter in nearly no time. Thank you :)

Later in Minneapolis they bought boxes of candy and sent them to New York. Carol had to encourage Therese to do so, but in the end three boxes were sent to Therese’s neighbours, her colleague and Richard’s family.

That evening, when they were back in the car, it started to rain heavily and Carol stopped in the inadequate shelter of a hill at the side of the road. They took some of their wrapped food out of the basket on the backseat and sat for a while, eating and silently watching the rain.

“Did you ever do this with Abby?” Therese asked abruptly.

 _Do what?_ Carol thought, but then it dawned on her.

“What questions you ask. Of course.”

“And now –?”

“Therese –“

“Was it very much the same as with me?”

Carol smiled. “No darling.” No one had ever loved her like this. Therese had been… she had been worshiping her in a way she could never have imagined.

“Don’t you think it’s more pleasant than sleeping with men?”

 _Oh the naivety of the young!_ The question was amusing Carol. Little did Therese know of the world, society and the responsibilities as a wealthy family’s daughter. But Therese was young, she had no family, no duties. Shouldn’t she be able to lead a charmed life without being pushed into a marriage?

“That depends. Who have you ever known except Richard?”

“No one.”

“Well, don’t you think you’d better try some others?”

Why did she have to do this? Would pushing her away be a good solution? And why did she feel in need of a solution at all? Therese certainly was anything but a problem. She herself, her poor marriage, was the problem.

Therese remained quiet for a while, drumming her fingers on the book in her lap. Carol watched her attentively. She could still feel traces of the happiness she had felt this morning, when Therese had embraced her, wiping strands of hair from her forehead. But the day on the road had brought back all her worries and she wondered whether she could bear dragging Therese into a life that wasn’t accepted by nearly anyone else. She was too young to estimate the consequences of that way of life.

“I mean some time, darling. You’ve got a lot of years ahead.”

Therese said nothing.

“I mean, whom you sleep with depends so much on habit. And you’re too young to make enormous decisions. Or habits.” 

That came out the wrong way. She saw it in the changing features of the younger woman.

“Are you just a habit? You mean it’s nothing like that?” Therese asked, eventually looking at Carol. She smiled, but Carol could see her eyes redden and felt guilty. _Of course not!_

“Therese – of all times to get so melancholic.”

“I’m not melancholic,” she protested and Carol had to restrain herself from smiling about the familiar stubbornness she knew so well.

Therese turned to look at her directly.

“Abby loves you, too, doesn’t she?”

At that, Carol started. She hadn’t expected the sudden change of subject. Putting her fork down, she decided she had to be honest.

“Abby has loved me practically all her live – even as you.” Therese stared at her while she continued. “I’ll tell you one day.” Remembering her time with Abby made her sigh. Whispering, she added, “Whatever happened is past. Months and months ago.”

“Only months?” Therese asked.

“Yes.”

It had only been month, she was right. But it were months that seemed like years to her. Years in which her whole life had crumbled upon her

“Tell me now.”

And Therese pushed her to tell her everything about Abby. But was it a secret? Would she want it to be kept a secret? At least she could tell her the facts. How they grew up together, how Carol discovered her feelings for Abby, how they ended up spending the night in Abby’s room, in her bed. Yes, she could tell her about the feeling of being in love. It had all the earmarks.

But she didn’t tell her about all her doubts, the subliminal feeling of sickness – like a disease; of doing something wrong, for she somehow didn’t want Therese to think that she doubted their relationship. She wanted to show her her strength. She had never felt so sure about really wanting something. Her only doubts concerned Therese’s well-being.

However, Therese’s questions reminded her that she had to tell Abby about her feelings for Therese. And Waterloo. How should she do this without hurting Abby? Should she telephone her or was it better to write and explain everything in well-chosen words? She needed to think that through. Looking out of the window, she noticed that the rain was abating.

“It’s letting up,” Carol said. “How about going on and finding a good brandy somewhere? Or is this a dry state?”

***

On their way back to the hotel, they stopped at a small shop where Therese bought some food and milk. Carol had told her she wanted to telephone Abby and so they parted at the shop’s entrance and Carol went to a near telephone box.

While they had been drinking their brandy in a deserted bar in the biggest hotel of the next town, their conversation had hit some aspects Carol had been worried about. They had talked about Harge, the divorce and whether he knew about Abby. Eventually, Carol took the opportunity to point out what she thought about the way society dealt with their kind of relationship and that she wasn’t the right person for Therese to know. Seeing the hurt in Therese’s face, she ended up distracting her by planning on continuing their trip to Washington.

In the end, Carol had had no time to think about the way she wanted to tell Abby about everything and so she decided to call her. Surely it wouldn’t be wrong to tell her on the phone, would it?

She wondered about Abby’s reaction. Abby had always been in love with her, that was the truth. She remembered the day when Abby had taken Therese out for lunch. She had never asked Abby about that meeting for she hadn’t wanted her to feel uncomfortable. But Therese had told her some things. Not everything, no. But her eyes had told her. And Abby was the one person she knew best in the world. Abby cared for her and surely wanted to check Therese’s motives and intentions. But, to be honest, she knew Abby wasn't being jealous. She had wanted a relationship in the past, had pushed Carol to leave Harge. but in the end their intermezzo had lasted only a few months. Carol hadn’t wanted to give in to that affection anymore. And so they had moved on, trying their best to be friends and only friends again.

She dialled the familiar number and unlike the day before, Abby answered the phone immediately.

“Carol! Is something the matter? Didn’t we agree on writing? Are you all right?”

“No Abby, don’t panic! I’m perfectly fine,“ Carol said. She hadn’t expected Abby to react that way.

“So what is it? Did you hear anything from Harge or Rindy?”

Carol sighed. She had wanted to tell her right away, but now the words were stuck in her throat.

“I ... I just wanted to hear your voice." She paused. "We haven’t really spoken for such a long time now. How are you?”

“You nitwit!” Abby said and Carol could nearly see her smiling mischievously. “Didn’t I tell you in the last letter?”

“Well ... “ Carol stumbled, but Abby didn’t seem to notice.     

“Remember that party I invited Therese to?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I met someone. A very nice and awfully good-looking woman. And we happened to meet again today. So I’m pretty excited right now.”

Carol could hear it in her voice. Abby was happy and it definitely wasn’t the time or the place to tell her about Therese.

“Abby, that’s great,” she said, making an effort to sound cheerful. “You have to tell me everything!”

“I will, I promise. But to be honest, I must be going right now. So if there isn’t anything important you have to tell me ...”

“No Abby, of course. Go get ready and use your charms on that woman.”

“I won’t use anything less than every possibility my body offers,” she replied, her voice revealing her smirk.

They both laughed and after Abby had promised to write about how the date would have gone in her next letter, they hung up.

Carol remained in front of the phone, staring into nothingness. She couldn’t have spoiled Abby’s excitement by telling her. Probably it would be better to tell her in person, anyway. And perhaps Abby and that mysterious woman would be together by then. It wouldn’t be as hurtful if Abby finally was in love with another woman, would it?

A sudden noise woke her from her thoughts. Turning, she recognized Therese, carefully knocking at the telephone box.

“Are you ready, Carol?” she asked, showing two full shopping bags. “We can get back to the hotel, if you like.”  

Carol nodded. Stepping out, she took one of Therese’s bags and they made their way back to the car.

***

When they arrived, their room was awfully overheated, so they had to throw open the windows for a while. Different from the days before their morning in Waterloo, the bathroom door was open while Therese got ready for bed. Carol sensed Therese’s attentive gaze, following each of her motions with wide eyes, but also some kind of worried thoughtfulness.

She felt miserable about the failed conversation with Abby and Therese’s thoughtfulness made her feel nervous. What was it that preoccupied Therese? Making her way to the bathroom to get ready herself, Carol suddenly remembered the letter Therese had received the day before. She was sure it had been from Richard, although the fact that Therese didn’t read it out to her, had not even mentioned it to her, annoyed her now. She felt a sudden shiver running through her body. She knew his thoughts about their friendship and yes, he had suspected their relationship to be of a sexual nature, although it hadn’t been until this morning.

Why the hell had she tried to push Therese back into his arms? What if … what if she became aware of all the difficulties Carol tried to protect her from? What if she didn’t want to go through a divorce with Carol, the fight for custody? Carol wouldn’t have wanted that when she was her age… Fear made its way through her veins and made her movements stop in mid-air. What if Richard would continue trying to get Therese back? Would he be able to convince her of his opinion, his attitude towards their kind of relationship?

She felt a brush of familiar loneliness and tears began to fill her eyes. To prevent Therese from seeing her state, she washed her face and took her time to regain her composure as well as she could. Drying her face, she felt she had to know.

“What did Richard say yesterday?”

“Nothing much,” Therese said. “Just a one-page letter. He still wants me to write to him. And I don’t intend to.”

Carol swallowed, trying to keep control of her feelings. She looked at Therese who had become silent, apparently deep in thought. She sat on the bed with her arms around her knees, gripping her wrists inside the sleeves of her robe.

Carol started to brush her tooth, searching for any kind of distraction, while her mind was flooded with fragmentary sceneries of Therese leaving her. It was almost ridiculous. This afternoon she had tried to push Therese away for her own protection. And now every fiber of her being clung to the closeness they shared. How pathetic.

“Do you mean that about not writing to him? That’s your decision?” Carol asked, avoiding her gaze.

“Yes.”

Carol knocked the water out of her toothbrush, turned from the basin and blotted her face with a towel. She forced herself to look at Therese who was again staring. Her eyes were like an open book to Carol. They showed only love and tenderness. And now, there was a trace of self-confidence Carol had never noticed before.

Therese wouldn’t leave her. Not if she didn't push her away. 

“Let’s say no more, “ Carol said and sat down next to Therese. She pulled her into a tight embrace and when her scent surrounded her, every doubt faded away. Therese closed the distance, placing soft kisses over her cheeks, her eyelids, eventually connecting their lips. Holding on to each other, they lowered themselves to the bed and were lost in each other’s arms.


	5. Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol has left Therese to deal with Harge and the divorce. Unfortunately, she has to undergo a psychiatric treatment.

**New York, March 3rd**

She could feel the brown leather against her legs. It was cold and made her feel even clumsier. Her left hand rested on one armrest, the other on her right thigh, nervously fidgeting on a crease of her skirt. The room was much darker than she would have preferred. Large, dark-wooded bookshelves covered the walls and only the small parts next to the big window on her left were nearly naked. The books looked all the same. They were in hardcover, dark red or dark brown, slim golden letters printed on their spines. Every bookshelf contained about sixty to seventy of those books, all piercing her, while the high bookshelves themselves seemed to bend down, making her feel cramped.

On her right side was a big wooden door which was closed in order to keep uninvited listeners away. Or was it to keep her inside the room? The cold crept up her legs, slowly making its way to her stomach.

Swallowing hard, she looked to the window. A wooden desk stood in front of it, covered in well-arranged piles of papers, more books and files. It was raining and the sky was as dark as the room. Raindrops fell onto the window. She didn’t care.

Her breathing was calm, but inhaling the air that tasted flat and smelled of mildewed leather made her feel sick. She glanced at the carpet below her feet. It had the same colour as the sofa she was sitting on. Everything was dark. She noticed flat prints on the carpet and thought about all the people who had been in this room before her. On this sofa, in front of ...

She kept her eyes down, watching her cold feet. When she had entered the room, her eyes had fallen on a painting that hung above the dark sofa. Now above her. It showed a man, looking straight into the observer’s eyes. She knew that look. It was the same look she had been facing every Sunday since her return. It was the same look everyone around her seemed to throw in her face. A look full of condescension, of pride, rejection and contempt. A look she tried to resist for such a long time, now realising that she couldn’t stand it much longer.

She inhaled deeply, her body longing for a cigarette and a glass of rye. Therese would have said to her that rye made her feel depressed. Therese would have taken the glass out of her hand and kissed her instead. Therese wouldn’t have left her ...

***

**A few miles out from Colorado Springs, February 10th**

Therese immediately jumped out of the car when Carol parked near the small guest house.

“Carol, I’m freezing,” she said, rubbing her palms against each other.

“I know, darling.” Carol also got out of the car, wrapping her fur coat tighter around her waist, eventually locking the car. “But why didn’t you let me warm them?”

“Because you had to concentrate on driving? How could you have warmed my hands with your hands on the driving wheel?”

“Oh Therese.” Carol went round the car, stopping in front of her companion. Smirking, she added, “There are other parts of me that are perfectly capable of making you feel warmer. Or even … hot.”

Therese blushed profusely but didn’t turn her gaze away. Carol watched her attentively. Therese had changed in the last few days. She had become more confident. Confident in a way Carol would never have expected.

“Shall we go inside and try to get a room? Or would you rather stay outside?” she asked, taking off her gloves.

“I would stay everywhere, if it was with you.” Therese smiled teasingly, but went straight to the entrance of the small guest house they had been lucky to have found. Carol followed her on the spot, shaking her head in silent amazement. 

The receptionist, an old lady who probably was also the owner of the small house, offered them the only free room that was left. Unfortunately, it was a twin room and Carol caught Therese’s disappointed gaze for a moment. The receptionist didn’t recognize it and went on, offering to call for someone to help them with their luggage. They declined politely, exchanging a slightly embarrassed smile.

In fact, they should have been back at their hotel by now, but their drive to some nice place in the mountains Carol wanted to show Therese had taken longer than planned. So they ended up in that little town which name Carol didn’t know – without any luggage, without even pyjamas or toothbrushes. But they liked the town and decided to stay the night.

Surprisingly, their room offered a fireplace that Carol kindled the moment the door was closed. She noticed Therese letting her gaze fall through the cosily furnished room and her sparkling eyes made her immediately feel warmer.

* * *

Carol felt the soft brush of Therese’s skin against her own. Her steady breathing and the warmth that was radiating from her body. Her breasts were pressed against the slim back and her hands were slightly gliding over the belly her lips had been worshipping moments ago. She nuzzled the delicate neck, deeply inhaling the so familiar scent of her angel.

She felt a trace of sweat that was left on Therese's thighs.

Therese straightened herself and leant her head back on Carol's shoulder, resting her cheek against Carol's.

"Carol," she sighed.

"Hm?"

"Nothing."

Therese's cheek was stroking hers. She lifted her right hand from Therese's belly and let it wander up, between her bare breasts, to rest it where she could feel the calm heartbeat. She loved to imagine that its beat, its particular sound, was meant for her.

A small hand followed, stroking her knuckles and eventually interlacing their fingers.

Although they had nothing with them, not even clothes to get changed, she felt as complete as she had ever felt before. A deep calmness had settled around her heart and all her sorrows seemed to shrink. She felt at home.

Suddenly, Therese started to get up.

“Don’t leave me,” Carol said, holding on to her wrist.  

“I'm not. I just wanted to get us some of that wine over there.”

“Oh darling, don’t.”

Therese looked at her with the most tender expression in her eyes. Carol pulled slightly on her wrist and Therese crawled back under the sheets, embracing Carol tightly.

“How could I ever leave you.”

***

**New York, March 3rd**

Therese would never have left her.

The dark brown leather seemed to embrace her, to hold her tight although every fibre of her body longed to escape the room. Her heart was beating far too fast; heavy breaths were escaping her mouth. Cold sweat appeared all over her skin and she also noticed goose bumps on her arms and legs.

“Mrs. Aird?” A dark male voice reached her ear.

Carol avoided lifting her eyes. She kept staring at the dark carpet, the flat prints. The room suddenly felt much smaller, the large bookshelves seeming to prowl nearer, restricting her throat and making it even more difficult to breathe.

“Mrs. Aird, are you all right?”

She winced, as a strong hand touched her shoulder, pressing it. A glass of water appeared in front of her and she reached for it with trembling hands.

“Drink this and try to calm your breathing. Everything’s all right, Mrs. Aird. You just need to relax.”

She took a sip of water and tried hard to calm down. As soon as the hand left her shoulder, she felt relieved and her breathing and heartbeat slowed down, starting to become stable again. She took another sip of water and leaned back on the sofa, feeling the sweat on her back.

Slowly, very slowly she lifted her eyes and for the first time since she had entered the room, looked at the large brown armchair in front of her. The man sitting in it stared at her expressionlessly, holding a fountain pen in his left hand, a clipboard in his right.

“Now, Mrs. Aird, there is no need to panic. We’re just going to have a little conversation. Nothing to be afraid of.”

“I’m not frightened,” she whispered, again letting her gaze fall on the carpet again.

“Your husband told me,” the man went on as if she hadn’t said anything, “that the two of you suffer from a certain behaviour of yours. He told me about your conduct and that there might be a pattern which causes his concern for you and your daughter.”

Carol swallowed. His words made her feel sick and the thought of Rindy caused a pain in her chest that was hard to ignore. How could Harge dare talking to this man about Rindy?

“However, we are here to help you to avoid this undesirable behaviour. Fortunately, this isn’t something we’re not able to cure. The kind of therapy we are going to try usually is performed at a psychiatric hospital, but your husband assured me that he would take care of you and your frequent visits to this place. Under these circumstances, I consider a stay at the psychiatric hospital unnecessary. Of course, we need you to give consent to this treatment, but Mr. Aird has already signed the declaration of consent, so I assume you agree with it, too.”

The man went silent, watching her attentively. Carol had difficulties focussing on his words. Would there really be a chance of refusing consent? What choice did she have? Harge’s point had been more than clear. If she refused to undergo therapy she would never see Rindy again, for Harge had been given sole custody of her. And what kind of a mother would she be, if she never even tried to get to see her daughter? How could she manage without being given the possibility of embracing her darling girl? Of talking to her, playing with her or even brushing her delicate hair?

“Mrs. Aird, you do agree, don’t you?”

“What?” Carol startled. “Uh ... well ... yes.”

“Well then. Mrs. Aird, before we will start the treatment, we have to talk about some things. I’m going to ask you about recent events and the people you know in order to estimate which substance will be best to use in the process of the treatment. Experience has shown that meeting at least three times a week, better four or five, would be promising. So let’s start with our little conversation. Do you have any questions, Mrs. Aird?”

Carol was lost in thought. Was she really expected to come to this awfully dark room four times a week? The cold stuck to her body and she could feel the room’s darkness creep into her body, her soul. Was loving Therese a disease? Something that must be _cured_?

“Your husband told me about two people, two women to be precise, that we’re going to focus on now. Miss Abigail Gerhard and most recently a certain shop girl that ...”

Carol didn’t listen anymore. _Her name is Therese_ , she wanted to shout at him. If anyone wasn’t to blame for this situation, this whole mess, it was Therese. Therese was the most innocent person she had ever known. Therese had said that she loved her and that she would never leave her.

And Therese wouldn’t have left her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took me quite a long time to write another chapter and I'm very sorry. 
> 
> Again many Thanks to Ligeria for beta reading this chapter - your amazing :)


	6. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter shows Carol how she has to struggle with the effects of the therapy. Fortunately, she has a good friend who straightens her head a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, it's been ages, I know!!! And I guess there isn't anyone out here who thought about my story or even hoped that I would continue it.  
> I had writer's block and then another fandom caught my interest and I was totally captivated by its characters. Now I'm on my mission of not giving up, so here is a new chapter. I really don't know, when I'll post the next one, but I will.
> 
> I thank you, TeamSharma, for your support and friendship, for your interest in my story and your help in developing my characters.  
> Also thanks to Ligeria, who again did a really fast job in beta reading this.

Therese took her hand that was rested on the driving wheel and laid it in her lap, gently caressing her fingers. Her eyes left the nearly endless, empty street to follow where her hand had been moved. She felt a smile rising to her face as her eyes followed the younger woman’s arm up to so familiar deep green eyes that were meeting hers tenderly.

A ray of the rising sun appeared behind Therese’s head and although she could feel the car’s cold that clung to her body, the gleaming beauty caused a sudden warmth to spread from her heart into the tiniest parts of her body. Glancing at the street, she adjusted the driving wheel and decreased speed. The car pulled to the side of the street and stopped. She allowed her eyes to close for a few seconds to really feel the delicate hand that was caressing her fingers. She inhaled deeply and could smell the scent that meant the world to her. Opening her eyes slowly, she leaned in and let her lips trace Therese’s jawline. Warm breath met her skin and while pecking her way to those adorable lips, her eyes found green depth.

Suddenly her stomach clenched as an unexpected sickness took hold of her. She searched for Therese’s eyes, but everything she saw were dark bookshelves that were bending down on her. The car was gone and the dark room that surrounded her, was cramped. She felt a strong hand on her shoulder while a male voice sounded through her head. 

“Carol”, the man’s voice said, pressing her shoulder painfully. 

*** 

The pressure increased.

„Carol! Carol, wake up!“

Abby looked at Carol worriedly. Her normally glowing skin was pale and showed a shade of grey that had manifested on her whole being the last weeks. She was covered in sweat and trembling. Abby touched her shoulder once more.

“Carol.”

She bent down to kneel next to the couch Carol was sleeping on.

“Wake up, darling.”

Finally, Carol opened her eyes and made Abby’s worries increase immediately. She saw not just the tiredness and exhaustion or the missing glow that were now Carol’s eyes. No, she also saw something new, something that made her heart ache all the more. Fear and indescribable grief. She cupped Carol’s sweaty cheek, trying to calm her friend’s fast breathing. Tears were running down Carol’s face and she swallowed hard. She seemed to look right through Abby, like being caught somewhere else, far away.

Suddenly, Carol pushed Abby’s hand away and stood up. Abby could only get hold of her wrist, when Carol started running.

“Carol, what’s…“

But Carol pulled away and stormed into the bathroom. Abby followed her on the step, horrified. When she entered the bathroom, Carol was bent over the toilet, throwing up. Her whole body was trembling, her face all the more covered in sweat and tears.

“Oh darling”, Abby said, kneeling next to her friend while rubbing her back. She took a towel to wipe some of the sweat off Carol’s forehead, waiting for her body to calm down.

After a few minutes, Carol’s breath slowed down and she leaned herself into Abby’s arms. Holding her tightly, Abby began to slowly rock their bodies, stroking strands of hair, silently trying to comfort the other woman. She could feel how the trembling reduced, only to be replaced by quiet sobs.

Abby didn’t know how long they sat there, seconds, minutes, hours? The bathroom floor was utterly cold and by the time she felt little goose bumps starting to appear on Carol’s skin, she carefully walked her to the bedroom. Covering Carol with a warm blanket, she positioned herself behind her and pulled her close, until she fell asleep. 

Abby knew that staying in Carol’s house was risky. Harge didn’t want her to be with Carol. In fact, he didn’t want anyone to be with her. He wanted her either to be with him or to suffer. And suffering she was. So if he found out that Abby stayed with Carol… No, she didn’t want to think about it. Carol needed her and that was all there was to think about.

Abby knew exactly where Carol’s illness was coming from. They had once talked about the kind of “therapy” Carol had to undergo in order to be allowed to see Rindy. Abby had heard of those treatments, but what Carol had told her and the way her body now reacted exceeded every imagination.

Obviously, Harge had told the psychologist about Carol’s _undesirable behaviour_ and they had decided to try a new treatment to cure her. The first visits had been about Carol’s point of view on things. She had had to tell the psychologist everything about her feelings for Rindy, the relationship they had, and – of course – about her friendship with Abby and the trip with Therese. Abby remembered the way those _talks_  had depressed Carol and how she had withdrawn herself more and more from every interaction with other people. A few visits later, the procedure had changed and it had become obvious that the psychologist had decided on a chemical treatment. He had given Carol some pills and had started to show her pictures of women. He had informed her that the pills would trigger some sort of discomfort. He had wanted Carol to associate her behaviour with a stimulus that was as much undesired as her behaviour. That was the first time Abby had tried to keep Carol from continuing the therapy. But of course, Carol had wanted to see Rindy again and Harge had made clear that there was no possibility of seeing or visiting her, if Carol stopped seeing the psychologist.

A few days ago, Carol had stopped calling. Unfortunately, Abby had been on a business trip and when she eventually had time to stop by that afternoon, she found Carol on that couch.

 How could she have underestimated the effect those pills had on Carol? She was her best friend for god’s sake! She should have taken care of her, protected her. 

Carol stirred and opened her eyes a little. Abby reached out to stroke her arm. 

“My darling, are you feeling a little better?”

Carol’s eyes fluttered, but she nodded slightly, turning on her back. Abby held her close, wanting her to feel safe. 

“Do you mind telling me what happened?”

Carol didn’t look at her and Abby knew she wouldn’t press any further. Carol needed time and Abby wanted to give her everything she needed. Pulling her close, she rested her head on Carols shoulder. She didn’t know how long they had lain there, when Carol suddenly spoke in a small voice, like her thoughts were somewhere else, her voice carrying a deep sadness.

“It’s Therese…”

Abby listened intently, not wanting to miss anything. She listened to Carol’s breathing and noticed her racing heartbeat. When she looked up, she saw silent tears streaming down Carol’s face and pulled her even closer.

Carol was shaken by emotions, but after a few minutes she continued.

“When… every time I think about her…” she sobbed. “I f…feel … I feel …nauseous and … I…” her breathing got heavier now and Abby sat up to look at her friend properly. Carol’s face was flushed and little pearls of sweat were covering her face again. Hurrying, Abby reached for the side table and took the glass of water, carefully lifting it to Carol’s mouth.

Carol drank and the movement seemed to calm her a little. Her breathing relaxed and the heat seemed to dissipate. 

Abby thought about everything she knew about the pills Carol was forced to take. If it were thoughts about Therese that made Carol so ill, then maybe the _treatment_ worked exactly the way Harge wanted it to. But was all that, Carol’s sadness, her grief, her sudden serious illness, worth it? Could seeing her daughter once a month be worth Carol’s health or maybe her life? No, she had to act now.

“Carol, darling, listen. I know you want to be with Rindy and you told me everything Harge said, but do you really think, all this is worth your suffering?”

Carol glanced away, trying to avoid her eyes. But Abby carefully reached for her cheek.

“Look at me, Carol, please.”

Carol took a deep breath and then, very slowly, lifted her eyes, covered with unshed tears.

Stroking her cheek, Abby continued.

“Don’t you think Rindy would rather have a healthy, happy mother she doesn’t see but could phone and write to than having an ill one or worse no mother at all? Carol, look at yourself. You are the strongest, proudest woman I know and I love you, but what you are doing here isn’t right. You can’t keep trying to destroy yourself to please Harge and hope that some time you will be permitted to see Rindy. You have every right to be happy and to be with the person you love. You can’t keep fighting against Harge, if the price is as high as it seems today.”

She paused, watching her friend closely. The tears were falling freely now, but Carol looked a little less pained. Abby kept on stroking her cheek and her arms. She hoped dearly that Carol would see her point. But for now, she had to wait.

Carol glanced at the ceiling and blinked a few times to stop her tears from falling. She swallowed hard, then took a deep breath and looked at Abby.

“Do you really think I haven’t already thought about this?. The past weeks weren’t easy and I could feel that my body was reacting in a way I hadn’t presumed. But, Abby, it’s about Rindy! Don’t you understand that I have to try everything to be with her? She’s my daughter…”

“Carol, I know!”, Abby said, moving closer to take Carol’s hand in hers. “And I know that you made this supposedly little promise at court, to try that damn treatment. But you are ill and you won’t get any better as long as you go on with it.”

“But they said, I’m only allowed to see her, if I continue. I have to be with her,” Carol sobbed. “And my lawyer…”

“And how often have you gotten to see her since you’ve started the visits?”, Abby interrupted her.

“I…,” Carol began, but then stopped. “I haven’t.”

“You see?”, Abby pressed on. “Harge doesn’t want to let you see her again. I know it’s hard. But don’t you think you should take care of yourself and gather some strength to find out what you want of your life and to finally talk to him on your conditions?”

“But what if…”, Carol said, “if the pills will help eventually? If I won’t feel the pain anymore?”

“And what do think will happen?”, Abby asked. “That you will suddenly stop liking women? No! You will just get sick every time your body reacts to your real feelings. If the pain ever stopped, you would be emotionally dead. You can’t want that for yourself.”

Carol leaned her head back and closed her eyes for a few minutes. Abby couldn’t say what was going through her mind, but there was one last thing she needed to say.

“Look, Carol, think of what you reached so far. You’re divorced now. You’ve finally gotten rid of him and you always said you were bored and feeling numb. Please, darling, stop this nonsense and start your new life. Get healthy again and find your own way. 

Carol was quiet for some time, her eyes still closed, but her tears had stopped falling and there was a little more colour in her face than before. Abby hoped that Carol understood, but for now, she had nothing else to say. She didn’t like to push Carol like this, especially when she was feeling so bad, but someone had to help her.

She stroked Carol’s arm one last time, then laid back against Carol’s shoulder. Minutes went by until Carol spoke again, her voice unsteady.    

“I… I suppose… you’re right?”

It wasn’t a real question but Abby nodded to ensure Carol of her thoughts.

“I…,” Carol continued sobbing. “I don’t want to feel sick every time I think of… of Therese”

“No, my dear,” Abby said. “And she wouldn’t want that, too.”

A tiny smile crept over Carl’s face. “I guess not.”

Abby leaned in and hugged Carol strongly. “I’m here for you, Carol,” she whispered in her friend’s ear. “And I will always be by your side.”

She felt Carol squeeze her, then they loosened their grip and looked at each other.

“You know what?”, Abby added, “You will go to your house in Vermont and take some rest. Get healthy again. And I will take care of Harge. I suppose your lawyer knows all about your case, but I will contact him on your behalf. When you’re feeling better again, we will handle everything as it comes.”

Carol nodded thoughtfully, but then hugged her again. “Thank you, Abby,“ she whispered.


	7. Everything comes full circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know, it took me ages. So, finally, here’s the last chapter. It’s shorter than I would have expected, but I wanted to tie up loose ends and not to open any other sidelines.  
> I also went through all the other chapters, revising here and there. You might want to reread them before you catch up on the last chapter.  
> Maybe I’ll rewrite some of that stuff when there is time, but I don’t really know right now.  
> So enjoy the last chapter and let me know what you think about it. You guys are really great =)
> 
> This chapter is about Carol thinking about her feelings for Therese. I wrote it because I wanted to understand for myself what this special relationship actually is about. The story deliberately ends before the end of the book. You all know how it's going to end ;-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my ever reliable and amazing beta TeamSharma. You did a great job!

Carol opened the door to her newly purchased and freshly furnished apartment. In the hallway, she took off her coat and immediately went to the kitchen to prepare a cup of tea. Since the end of the _therapy_ she had tried to drink less alcohol and discovered that the time it took her to let a tea brew brought her the necessary rest to collect her thoughts. 

It had been a blessing that Abby had discovered her in a truly miserable state in her apartment about a week and a half ago. Carol was now sure that she on her own would not have found her way out of this misery. If Abby hadn't opened her eyes and made it clear to her that she shouldn’t suffer like that, she would surely be back in this dark, dismissive office today. And she probably wouldn't have heard from Therese either. 

In one hour she had to leave to meet Therese at the Ritz Tower. When Therese had called in the morning, her throat had inevitably tightened. She had barely dared to hope to hear from her again. But Therese's voice had sounded more repulsive than she had ever heard. And yet it was this voice that had suddenly stopped all the thoughts that had been spinning inside her the last few weeks. Fortunately, the medication she had received during the _therapy_ had not yet worked as the doctor had intended. Of course, she had been very miserable. But as soon as the medication had been out of her system, she had recovered rather quickly. A long-term effect, which was supposed to trigger painful physical reactions at the slightest sign of _undesirable behavior_ , had not yet occurred.

Carol took the bag from the teapot, poured herself a cup and made her way to her balcony from which she could overlook the Central Park. She had bought the apartment through an estate agent and was now happy to live directly in the city. This way she was no longer forced to travel the long distance from New Jersey to the city. Central Park did not replace the idyllic surroundings of her old house, but if she was honest, she had always been more of a city person.

As she slowly drank her tea while gazing across the park, she was filled with a feeling of excitement and nervousness. Finally, she would have the opportunity to talk to Therese, to see her again.

After her phone call in the morning, many of her confusing feelings had gradually cleared up. And after the first shock, a quiet hope began to grow in her, taking over her body more and more. By now she was a bundle of nerves again. Would she have a chance to talk to Therese? Would Therese even want to listen to her? The circumstances of their separation had been anything but good. How often had she wondered why Therese had stopped contacting her? Had she been too pushy? Or had Therese realized that she didn't want a life in a fight over custody of a child that wasn't even her own?

Carol sighed deeply and took a peppermint candy out of a tin on the windowsill. Something she got used to in order to quit smoking. Actually, she was determined to trust her feelings. It wasn't fair to impute such thoughts to Therese. After all, during her time together she had said often enough that she wanted to be with Carol. No matter what happened.

Therese's apartment had been searched while they had both been in the middle of the US. Harge had wanted proof of Carol's _conduct_ and had found it. Letters addressed to Carol which had never been sent. Of course, Carol had known that Therese loved her. Had loved… But Therese had rarely expressed her feelings. The letters were read out at the hearing. ‘ _I feel I stand in a desert with my hands outstretched, and you are raining upon me_ ’ was what one of them said. And then Carol had suddenly been quite sure. Sure about what she herself had felt, but had not been able to understand properly at that time.

Of course, she had thought about love. About her love for Harge, about her love for Abby and the love she felt for Therese. Because what she felt when she thought of Therese was love. Yes, back in Waterloo she had told Therese that she loved her, too. But at that time, she had been internally torn. Torn between the longing for closeness and the desire to protect her daughter and therefore remain in the security of marriage.

But now she knew it was true love. She loved being close to her, laughing with her and talking to her about everything that came to one of them. Was it as ridiculous as it was. Maybe it was naive, because Therese was so young and inexperienced. But the feeling of simply being herself with Therese was something Carol could not let go. She once had said, ' _I just think of you as you_ '. It had been about Carol's family, but Carol couldn’t help but see her relationship with Therese reflected in it: No demands, no false smiles, no mask to hide behind, no walls to protect herself. When Therese was with her, it wasn't necessary. Therese liked every side of her. 

When she had finished her tea, Carol got up, took the cup and slowly returned to the apartment. The furniture she had chosen made the room look brighter than her house in New Jersey had ever been. When choosing furniture, she had always thought of Therese. Beside the bedroom there was a smaller room, which was also directed to the Central Park. She had placed a large armchair and a desk in it and imagined how Therese prepared herself here for her work on a stage design. Reading a play in the armchair or leaning deeply over a drawing at her desk, strands of brown hair falling in her face.

How would Therese have changed by now? Would she look the same as a few weeks ago? Would she be more mature?

Carol was painfully aware of how much she had changed herself in the short time since their journey together. Part of her was missing. Rindy was missing. But she knew by now that she had to go on. She had to and wanted to live her life. And she didn't want to live a lie anymore. She wanted to be with the woman she loved deeply. 

Therese was smart, full of ideas, full of curiosity about life. Carol was convinced that one day Therese would become a successful stage designer. They had talked about literature, about art, about people. Therese hadn't seen as much of the world as Carol had, but that only stoked Carol's deep urge to show her everything. Carol wanted to support her, to see how she progressed. She wanted to be the one whom Therese told about her day. Wanted to come home from work and tell Therese about annoying customers and new traders she had been able to win. She wanted to share her life and see Therese flourish. 

A soft smile crept onto her face as Carol was getting ready in the bathroom. She combed her hair and put on new lipstick before taking her coat in the hallway and leaving the apartment. It had already become warmer outside, but later in the evening it would also be colder in her car. Hopefully, Therese would be with her then.


End file.
